Lost in Time

My throat is tightening from this deep fear about writing these words. I’m going to face my fear of posting something too personal. I’m going to start sharing with you what’s happening in my head and in my life. I no longer have the excuse that I have no idea what to write about. I’m no longer going to focus on trying to generate thousands of views to my blog.

Life Maze Uncertainty Labyrinth

I’m overwhelmed and anxious with life because I haven’t been writing. My mind races faster than an out of control bullet train. I’m fighting back the negative thoughts that tell me that there is no place for me in this world. Writing is the only way for me to slow down and make sense of the chaos swirling around in my head. I’m at peace when I’m writing.

I have no idea where to start back up with my memoir. I’m afraid of not remembering enough details for my memoir. It scares me to death thinking that I’ll never finish it. I want to finish my memoir so my friend, Judie will get to read it in her lifetime. I already lost the chance for my grandfather to read my finished book.

I’m losing control of my life because it seems like time is moving faster than I can keep up. Everybody that I know is married or getting married and having kids. I’m not there yet and it scares me. I was born in the wrong decade. I don’t fit into this PC (Politically Correct) culture. Differences of opinion shouldn’t make you the enemy. I don’t agree that violence is justified against people that don’t agree with you. I believe in the America where freedom is not one sided. You don’t get to pick and choose what law abiding citizen gets to have rights. You don’t get to decide who has the right to free speech. And, you don’t get to decide that law abiding citizens shouldn’t have the right to keep and bear arms. When can we go back to intelligent conversations and debate without the hostility? I want to live in the America where the people respect their country and its Constitution. The document created to protect every Americans’ freedom. Our soldiers don’t fight and die for our freedom for America to become a communist regime.

I had a date a few days after my birthday or so I thought. I was chatting with a beautiful woman on the eHarmony dating site. I’ll call her Sara. The first response I received from her was that we should meet soon. That threw me for a loop because I’ve never had a woman be that direct with me before. It was exciting. I go through a lot of matches on dating sites before I get a response. The next morning, we agreed to meet that Sunday afternoon.

The day of the date, I drove my chair outside to the back patio where my friend was hanging out. “It looks like I have that date later today,” I said.

“Does she know you’re a quadriplegic,” he asked.

My heart dropped into my stomach.

After I talked with my friend, I texted Sara: “It’s cool that I’m in a wheelchair?”

“If you’re ok with being friends.” A second later she texted the word “‘Only.”

“I don’t think I would want to just be friends,” I replied.

“So maybe not then” she said.

My friend saved me from a lot of humiliation and drinking too much. Sara put me in the friends zone before she even met me. In all my birthday excitement, I neglected the number one rule as a cripple on the dating scene. Never assume the girl understands you’re in a wheelchair. I’m a quadriplegic in the sense that I can’t lift my arms or legs. I don’t have a spinal cord injury. I have muscular dystrophy. It means that my muscles are weaker than the average person. I can have children or take part in their creation. Being in a wheelchair is a major deal breaker for many people on the dating scene. I usually make sure the wheelchair won’t be an issue before I go on a date with a girl. I believed that I made it clear in my profile and pictures that I’m in a wheelchair.

I hate it when my disability disqualifies me as a potential romantic partner before they get to know me. It tears me up inside. My mind tries to convince me that my failures with dating equals my failure as a man. Love is torn away from me whenever I get close to finding it. I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ll search the ends of the earth until I find love. It takes time to find a strong, open minded woman to be open to dating a guy with a disability. I’m determined to find love within a committed relationship. Its not possible for me to ever give up.


How to Overcome Five Internal Challenges

One internal struggle I deal with is the hate from the political divide in America. It’s got to the point where I don’t even want to discuss politics with anybody. Nobody is going to agree on everything. Having a different point of view makes you the bad guy. Politics means nothing when we fight over our differences. There are ways to overcome our internal struggles.

Against the Clock

1. Caught up with the label

I’m done with the labels dividing people. Labels seek to define who you are without knowing the full picture. It generalizes things based on your political, religious beliefs, music preference, etc. A label doesn’t tell you what’s in a person’s heart. My curious, skeptical mind and the love within my heart define me. The search for truth and bringing people together is what drives me.

  • Challenge ideas together and don’t stop searching for truth.
  • Don’t judge others. If we’re not searching, we’re not learning.
  • Learn from history. Explore how the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights protect our individual freedoms. 
  • Discuss ideas beyond politics and religion. Ask questions like ‘Where does love come from in humanity? Is all that love in our hearts meaningless? Do we go through amazing things in life to become a speck of dust?’
  • Be kind to others but don’t care what others think of you. It will drag you down to a dark place.

2. Raw truth

How many times do we hold back important, tough things that we need to tell people? I like it when people are straightforward and don’t sugar coat what they say. I’m cool with the fact that the truth can hurt. I’d rather people tell me the tough truth right away. It doesn’t do anybody any good to hold off on the truth.

  • Be real and say what’s on your mind. Say what you mean and do what you say.
  • The Harsh reality is better than a fake fantasyland.
  • Let go of certain expectations you have for people. Sometimes we expect people to act a certain way and get frustrated when they don’t do what we expect.
  • Don’t think you need control over every situation. It’s better to have control of how we respond to situations that don’t go our way.
  • Take the time to get to know someone on a deeper level.

3. Mutual understanding

There is a drive to have people understand you and agree with you. I got different political views than a lot of people around me. I want a person who doesn’t understand my view to understand why I believe that way.

  • You don’t need to convince people your way of thinking is better. Our differences are what make us human. Learn about a person’s story and where your story connects with theirs.
  • Focus on exploring how to become a better person and find meaning in life.
  • Be who you want to be and do what’s honorable. Don’t worry about fitting in. Look for ways to love one another again. Martin Luther King Jr. died to teach us that.
  • Don’t overreact to things people say. Not everybody is open to discussing ideas different from their own.
  • Listen to what someone has to say. Discuss an idea and see where it leads. Look beyond ideas you can’t agree on.

4. Patience

The world seems to move at a faster rate or on a different frequency than me. It appears that everybody has lived ten great lives while my life goes at a slower pace. I wonder if disappointment is trying to teach me something important. My brain is like an overloaded circuit. It processes to too much information at once until it needs a reboot.

  • Don’t ever compare your life to others. Great things don’t always happen as quickly as we want them to. Stay optimistic, do the best we can, and focused on our goals.
  • There is nothing we can’t-do when we put our minds to it. The negative things we say about ourselves are never accurate.
  • Every day is a chance to become a better a person. Trusting yourself and staying determined will get where you need to go.
  • Don’t assume what others are thinking. It will damage your mind.
  • Disappointment is not a symbol of our worth. We can learn from it. Never give up.

5. Amazing

I think about how to write an awesome blog article and end up obsessing over it. Procrastination took over. I want to bring the world wisdom as if the next day is the last. The problem is I have no idea where to start.

  • Your amazing ideas need a chance to build through practice.
  • Work to the deadline or you will start obsessing over the details.
  • You don’t need to make a bunny jump out of the hat with every word. Write what’s in your heart.
  • The goal is to encourage one person, everything won’t be a masterpiece.
  • Let your passion for the work guide you to the finish line.

What are some internal challenges you face on a regular basis? What have you learned from them?


Five Strategies to Overcome Writing Struggles

I’m stuck on repeat like the Twilight Zone. Screw you, Mr. Groundhog! Every time I reach out for my goals in front of me they get pulled further from my grasp.

It’s high school graduation day. I’m driving my wheelchair through the huge checker’s board of Warriors red. My back is sweating and throat is constricting. I see lots of smiles around me. The excitement is building. A deep sense of dread consumes me.

The mind starts racing. A strong force holds back the words deep within our heart. Writing is our greatest joy. Yet, the words stop flowing. There are a few strategies that can help get our writing groove back.

Storm in Slovakia Mountains


1. Calm the raging storm within


Anxiety starts getting a tighter grip on you. We’re surfing the web instead of writing. The perfectionist mindset takes over. No word is good enough.

Deja vu fears play into our fear of missing out like a bloodthirsty vampire. Your life is not as exciting as your friend’s life. Try swimming with the sharks minus the cage.

The false sense of urgency is a sign of twisted priorities. That TV show can wait. The crazy, homicidal bitch in the water well can crawl out through your TV any minute. Limit your time on the TV and the Web to fight the anxiety.

What activities awaken your soul and calm your mind?

That’s reading and writing for me. Choose the activity that fills your heart with a sense of purpose and brings your life meaning.

You are right where you need to be. Any routine that keeps your pen moving is a gift. Don’t ever give your passion the backseat.


2. Bare your heart until it hurts


Tear open your heart to find the truth on the page. Fear must be challenged. Your potential shines brighter every step you take through the fear. Pain from your past can come back for vengeance like a Japanese horror flick.

Writing through the pain breathes new life into your writing. Pain is the greatest motivator to become the hero of our story. The world is waiting for our story.

Writing is an amazing life compass that helps navigate through life’s obstacles. Our inner battle rages on so we can become a light within the darkness. It’s on the precipice of despair when we discover our incredible strength within.


3. Follow through with the idea


How many times have you written about an idea only to question its quality?

It happens to me many times. The writing stops flowing and the deadline falls through. Perfectionism is a silent assassin that strikes without mercy. It breaks down your confidence until your writing loses the passionate fire. All ideas start to look like failures.

Give your heart the freedom to write whatever comes to mind. Experiment with the words. Follow through with the idea and let it develop on the page without interference. Every word you write matters.

Embrace the adventure without the destination in mind. Your instincts will prevail in the end. A rough idea is a blessing in disguise. The perfect idea is an unexpected outcome.

Trust your instincts and watch your writing confidence soar. Our fears have no power over us when we trust in our abilities. Creativity thrives when we allow our instincts lead us.


4. Free write to fight doubt


Does planning ever create further doubt in your writing abilities?

My mind races like a Formula 1 racecar until the tires spin off their axles. Put aside the outline when the writing stops flowing. A cluttered mind loves to obsess over the details. A plan fuels my obsession with the details. When you get lost in the jungle of words, free write. Let your creativity run wild in any direction it desires. You can go back to the outline the next day.


5. Stop trying to bend time to your will


You cannot be The Flash.

It would be amazing to never have to fight the clock, wouldn’t it?

A deadline is not your enemy. Time doesn’t move slow or fast. It’s our mind telling us where our focus lies. I’m usually stuck in my own head looking for an escape route.

Let the deadline become your greatest motivation. We all want our best ideas to come to us all at once when we want them to.

Cherish the small victories. The writing will come together in the end. When deadlines slip away, our confidence takes a huge hit. Stick to the deadline to build your confidence back up.

What does your battle plan look like to fight your writing fears? Share in the comments.