Lost in Time

My throat is tightening from this deep fear about writing these words. I’m going to face my fear of posting something too personal. I’m going to start sharing with you what’s happening in my head and in my life. I no longer have the excuse that I have no idea what to write about. I’m no longer going to focus on trying to generate thousands of views to my blog.

Life Maze Uncertainty Labyrinth

I’m overwhelmed and anxious with life because I haven’t been writing. My mind races faster than an out of control bullet train. I’m fighting back the negative thoughts that tell me that there is no place for me in this world. Writing is the only way for me to slow down and make sense of the chaos swirling around in my head. I’m at peace when I’m writing.

I have no idea where to start back up with my memoir. I’m afraid of not remembering enough details for my memoir. It scares me to death thinking that I’ll never finish it. I want to finish my memoir so my friend, Judie will get to read it in her lifetime. I already lost the chance for my grandfather to read my finished book.

I’m losing control of my life because it seems like time is moving faster than I can keep up. Everybody that I know is married or getting married and having kids. I’m not there yet and it scares me. I was born in the wrong decade. I don’t fit into this PC (Politically Correct) culture. Differences of opinion shouldn’t make you the enemy. I don’t agree that violence is justified against people that don’t agree with you. I believe in the America where freedom is not one sided. You don’t get to pick and choose what law abiding citizen gets to have rights. You don’t get to decide who has the right to free speech. And, you don’t get to decide that law abiding citizens shouldn’t have the right to keep and bear arms. When can we go back to intelligent conversations and debate without the hostility? I want to live in the America where the people respect their country and its Constitution. The document created to protect every Americans’ freedom. Our soldiers don’t fight and die for our freedom for America to become a communist regime.

I had a date a few days after my birthday or so I thought. I was chatting with a beautiful woman on the eHarmony dating site. I’ll call her Sara. The first response I received from her was that we should meet soon. That threw me for a loop because I’ve never had a woman be that direct with me before. It was exciting. I go through a lot of matches on dating sites before I get a response. The next morning, we agreed to meet that Sunday afternoon.

The day of the date, I drove my chair outside to the back patio where my friend was hanging out. “It looks like I have that date later today,” I said.

“Does she know you’re a quadriplegic,” he asked.

My heart dropped into my stomach.

After I talked with my friend, I texted Sara: “It’s cool that I’m in a wheelchair?”

“If you’re ok with being friends.” A second later she texted the word “‘Only.”

“I don’t think I would want to just be friends,” I replied.

“So maybe not then” she said.

My friend saved me from a lot of humiliation and drinking too much. Sara put me in the friends zone before she even met me. In all my birthday excitement, I neglected the number one rule as a cripple on the dating scene. Never assume the girl understands you’re in a wheelchair. I’m a quadriplegic in the sense that I can’t lift my arms or legs. I don’t have a spinal cord injury. I have muscular dystrophy. It means that my muscles are weaker than the average person. I can have children or take part in their creation. Being in a wheelchair is a major deal breaker for many people on the dating scene. I usually make sure the wheelchair won’t be an issue before I go on a date with a girl. I believed that I made it clear in my profile and pictures that I’m in a wheelchair.

I hate it when my disability disqualifies me as a potential romantic partner before they get to know me. It tears me up inside. My mind tries to convince me that my failures with dating equals my failure as a man. Love is torn away from me whenever I get close to finding it. I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ll search the ends of the earth until I find love. It takes time to find a strong, open minded woman to be open to dating a guy with a disability. I’m determined to find love within a committed relationship. Its not possible for me to ever give up.